When I was about 19 or so, I remember coming to the realization that certain character faults, areas I knew I needed to work on, were shared by my own parents. This was discouraging. A friend of mine smiled and said, “How nice! You know you’re not alone.” But he didn’t get it. This meant I couldn’t assume that I would grow out of things; there was no guarantee that I would reach my 30s or 40s and get to be the mature adult and smirk happily at all the immature teenagers, knowing that I was So Over their issues. (Um, actually, that part did happen after all, at least in many areas. Smirk! Love it!)
I was thinking about this recently, watching Abel deal with some conflict. Abel is a kind boy. When the Evil Fairies visited our children’s cribs (oh right, like your kids don’t have some element of their personalities that couldn’t have come from anywhere else), the gift they left him to make him think, “I’m not like anyone else in this family” was just a sort of cartoon goofiness that he’ll either outgrow or use to become a junior high teacher or camp counselor. No biggie.
There’s a boy at school that’s been tormenting him lately. Perhaps that is too strong a word. They started out being friends, and this boy has even had Abel over to play a couple of times. But then he started to harass Abel. It became a problem.
That evening, the boy called to invite Abel to play. Donn and I were amazed. Then we heard Abel say, “Hang on, let me ask my parents” and turn to us. Our mouths dropped open. Because this boy is MEAN to Abel. And now he was asking us if he could go play with him?
Donn is still puzzling about this, but I think I realize what’s going on. Abel has inherited my debilitating form of conflict avoidance. In order to not have to confront this boy, he is ready to go along with anything.
It’s depressing. I can already see the long road ahead of him as he agonizes over talking to anyone about anything, even when he is in the right.
I remember one of my college roommates, who always borrowed my clothes, and left them dirty on the floor. That was weird and obnoxious. But could I talk to her about it? No. I borrowed a black t-shirt one time and she talked to me about it, told me maybe it’d be best if we didn’t borrow each others’ clothes. Grr.
I know this boy‘s mother. I‘ve spoken to her several times. But when Donn suggested we talk to her, I shrank. Confront her with her son‘s behaviour? I didn‘t want to do it at all. Guess I still haven‘t outgrown this issue.
Poor Abel. I don’t want him to be like me. I want him to be take-charge and stride-forth, while maintaining that basic kindness and consideration that comes so naturally to him. I don’t want him to get taken advantage of. I wish we could choose which parts of our make-up get passed down to our offspring. (And would we choose to pass on what they would choose to receive?)
And I hate not being able to blame those evil fairies once again!
What aspects of your character would you choose to pass on, or have you passed on?
14 comments
October 30, 2008 at 10:27 am
Beck
The Boy is JUST like me – we yell and weep and gnash our teeth when we’re upset and then the storm passes and is over. The Girl, however, retreats into passive-aggressive silence, which just drives me WILD. The Baby is like me in miniature – small, friendly, spunky and easily hurt.
October 30, 2008 at 11:19 am
Robin
I’m sorry Abel is having trouble with this boy. I hope he finds an empowering way to handle it.
My son has definitely inherited my time-wasting, space cadet tendencies, and my daughter is unfortunately the proud inheritor of my temper.
October 30, 2008 at 12:58 pm
Kelly @ Love Well
I would say this is my biggest “issue.” (See? I can’t even antagonize myself.) I hate conflict, and growing up, I would do just about anything to keep peace, even if it was a false peace.
So sorry about Abel. How did the situation resolve re: the phone call?
October 30, 2008 at 2:26 pm
AuthorMomWithDogs
I had a very similar situation happen to my daughter, who is also non-confrontational. After the boy got physical with her (hitting), I did go talk to his mother (whom I didn’t know). Much to my surprise, she was really wonderful and we had a great talk. We had the kids meet and helped them figure out a better way to interact with each other. I hope your situation finds an equally amicable solution. It’s the pits to feel unprotected from a bully.
October 31, 2008 at 12:27 am
Kit
I’m also very much an avoider of conflict – any conflict – I feel a huge twinge of sympathy for you both. My middle daughter has inherited this and like me will go quiet if upset and disappear silently to her room until she feels better and will maybe talk about it much later, though it’s hard for her to express what upset her. hope she sorts it out before she gets to her 40s..
October 31, 2008 at 12:46 am
Linda
I have an adopted daughter and I didn’t understand much of her emotionally as she was growing up. Genetics is huge. I have a grandson who is super sensitive, who won’t even play a card game because he might lose and it makes him upset. I’m wondering if this is a genetic gift from his little old grandmother. Things bother me for years. Anything bad that I see in my sons I blame on my exhusband. All the good is, of course, from me.
October 31, 2008 at 7:26 am
Wacky Mommy
Hon, he asked you so you could say no for him. I used to do that with my mom all the time. I’d bet on that one.
Give all 3 of ’em a big hug from me. And Donn, too! xxoxx nancy
October 31, 2008 at 1:18 pm
Jeanne A
I’m with Wacky Mommy.
I ask my kids (quietly of course), Well do you WANT to go over and play?……….if they shake their heads no then I say no and they say….”My mom says that I can’t.” End if story. Mean mom!
But there’s an age when they need to stand up for themselves, I’m told. Since the boys are 16–18, I think they need to be able to make their own decisions.
October 31, 2008 at 6:18 pm
Pam
I agree he was asking you to say no……my daughter did the same thing
even as a teen…..and I remember once she and I discussed how to
gently confront one of her friends…..she said “Mom we’re teenagers we don’t talk like that”…..then a couple nights later I heard her on the phone quoting me…..word for word…….all I could do was smile to myself.
God Bless, Pam, South Bend
November 1, 2008 at 6:20 am
Antique Mommy
Oh goodnight, that list is a long one. I have prayed daily since that boy was in my womb that he would be more like his father than me. I am a typically creative type and I see that in Sean. I am hoping/praying/working to accent the good creative forces in him while teaching him to “manage” the negative creative forces.
November 1, 2008 at 6:25 am
Heidi Saxton
I wonder if there’s a Mars/Venus element here — although there are some exceptions, girls are often more likely to dig in and hold a grudge, where boys kind of let the fists flail and get on with life. Life isn’t always resolved with an eye on fairness … sometimes we just have to let the crap go and move on. That may have been what your son was doing.
First, though, we learn what we can from the experience. When my son had an altercation on the playground, I gave him three steps to conflict avoidance, to help him get out of future situations. (1) Assume “courage stance,” feet firmly planted and direct eye contact, holding up a “stop sign” hand and saying “Leave me alone. You’re bugging me.” (2) State problem — loudly, so other kids and (hopefully) the teacher hears it: “Only losers pick on little kids. It’s not OK, and you are going to be in big trouble if you don’t stop.” (3) If the kid throws a punch anyway, it’s OK to defend yourself by punching back, yelling “Get away from me!” Best places to punch: balled-up palm to nose, or if he pins your arms, a swift kick between the legs. Then get away as fast as you can.
November 2, 2008 at 8:45 pm
LG
I used to ask Joanna if she wanted me to say no. Our first year back in Canada in 2003 she had some friends who were really enemies and by the end of the year they were gone and she made some real true heart friends. But I had to stand by her and encourage her to see the difference and cry with her. Her French teacher even asked her brother what was wrong with her. She would leave school in the middle of the day and walk home (about an hour) without telling anyone. They were toxic. Finally they got mad at her about something and told her they were no longer her friends (after 8 months) and good riddance (I said)…. It was a deadly time. Summer vacation came, I packed Jo off to Georgia to spend two weeks with her special friend from boarding school (spent all the grocery money and then some) and prayed and….
But I remember those days, of pretending to be mad at her, yelling at her to get off the phone, so she would have an excuse not to talk to those girls. And now one wants to be her friend on facebook, and she asked me a few weeks ago, “Mom, do I have to say yes?” No, no, no.
November 3, 2008 at 8:01 am
Petroville » Blog Archive » A Perfect Post - October 2008
[…] Collin County awarded Geese Aplenty Well Read Hostess awarded Simply Nutmeg All Rileyed Up awarded Planet Nomad Scientific Nature of the Whammy awarded Redefining Perfect Tech Savvy Mama awarded Stimeyland […]
November 3, 2008 at 5:14 pm
All Rileyed Up » October Perfect Post
[…] at Planet Nomad echoes my feelings on conflict resolution. Here is an excerpt from her post, and my choice for an October Perfect Post: “I want him [my son] to be take-charge and […]