Yesterday, I asked Elliot to make a batch of his justly-famous chocolate chip cookies. (And really, just why are they always so perfect? It’s my recipe. But his are excellent, while mine are just good. Must be that teenager spit–you know he samples batter freely!) This was to sweeten an errand I’ve been putting off, because I remain non-confrontative in spite of my goals to the contrary.
A few months ago, a new family arrived in the cul-de-sac where we live. I met them and their tiny boys one freakishly warm spring afternoon. Their boys were 3 and 5 then; now 4 and 6.
And the rains returned and I didn’t see them for a while.
But when we got back from California, it was summer. The sun shone, the street filled with the sounds of children playing, running, bickering, sword fighting, water fighting, lemonade selling, etc. And we noticed that now, those 2 adorable little boys were out in the street, but the mom was staying inside.
I will mention that I do that too. I don’t hang out watching my kids play. But then, my kids are 11 and 13. Also, this family has a one year old and, as of 5 days ago, a brand new baby. I understand that the mother may need to rest, and need a break. But.
I really am not uptight. I really don’t like to tell other people how to parent, and I resent it when people tell me how to parent. But these boys, in protective helmets on their tiny bikes, have the habit of whizzing behind our car when it’s backing up. I am pretty sure even those super helmets would be a poor match for my back tires. I have nearly killed them both several times. They are too young to be out on the street unsupervised, even such a safe street as ours where cars are rare.
So today I wrapped up the cookies and went over, first taking time to talk to the small boys about their new baby brother. I rang the doorbell. The dad came to the door; he was on his way to work, the mom and new baby were taking a nap. The grandma was sitting on the couch.
I explained who I was, gave him the cookies, congratulated him on his newborn son. Casually brought up the cars. “Yeah, that’s something we’ve been working on,” he said. He told me to let him know of any other problems.
I’m still worried though. I watch for these boys, make sure I can see them when I start backing my mini-van out, but they move. Of course it would be my fault, if I hit their 4 year old. Just yesterday, they nearly ran in FRONT of my van, which is of course a whole new worry.
So, what happens if I hit a four-year-old in America? I imagine the worst; my picture in the paper, interviews on the news, everyone hating me while I explain, pathetically, over and over, “I was only going 2 miles an hour! I looked! Honest!” I would feel horrible. I would never get over it. The parents would never get over it.
Ironically, this wasn’t a stress I was expecting to deal with this year. I figured that American parents, being more uptight than your average Mauritanian, would never let this be much of an issue. It was a problem at our last house, in Nouakchott, where an adorable toddler was fascinated by our big 4WD, and always wanted to run up and touch it while I was backing out onto the sand. It was really scary. His babysitter was his 5 year old sister. I know the worst there; a taxi driver of my acquaintance did run over a child. You pay $4000 “blood-money” and the family mourns, but fatalistically accepts that life is uncertain. I would never get over it.
So I am very thankful that I have not committed any vehicular homicide.
I posted several weeks (months?) ago about uptight parenting, and got some great comments. It seems that we are all relaxed in some areas and uptight in others, and that we are all worried about what those around us are thinking of our parenting. In a world of uncertainty, we watch each other sideways, constantly comparing ourselves. I don’t wish this upon my neighbour. I don’t think she should rein in her boys just because of what I think. But while I feel parenting is and should be personal, I do feel there are some basic rules of the road, some basic common sense. I may hanker back to a more relaxed time when kids could be kids, could have a real childhood in addition to their virtual one in front of electronic stimulus. (Although overall, I’m not one to idealize the past) But even then, in those helmet-less, tree climbing halcyon days, I don’t think tiny ones played unsupervised.
So I watch. Donn watches. Our kids watch. We’re our neighbours’ keepers, and that’s something that has carried down through the ages.
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12 comments
July 25, 2008 at 10:37 pm
Wacky Mommy
Hon, this one is easy. You back into your driveway when you get home (have one of your kids direct you), and pull straight out when you leave. Less risky that way. (Says the woman whose next-door neighbor flies 50 miles an hour backwards out of the driveway.) (Also her teenage son does the same thing.) (And they both FLY into the driveway 50 miles an hour, too, when they get home.)
At least you’re looking! Ours don’t. I do not care for them so much.
Aren’t you leaving the country soon? I wish you were my neighbor.
July 26, 2008 at 6:55 am
suburbancorrespondent
That is a problem. I do let my 5 and 3 year old out unsupervised, but they aren’t in the street (or parking lot). We don’t have driveways, so they can play fairly safely on the sidewalks without worrying about cars. And there are always other kids that we know watching out for them. The mom has to train them to either stay out of the street, or else she has to set up some sort of comfy arrangement where she can watch them from her yard while she nurses the baby. Or, she could pay one of the older ones to keep an eye on them as they all play. Maybe you could have one of yours drop off a flyer advertising “safe child” services…
July 26, 2008 at 7:27 am
slouching mom
ah, yes.
this is an interesting dilemma, and a timely one, for me.
even boys nearly 7 and nearly 11 are whizzing by carelessly on their bikes.
i know, because mine do, and i have reprimanded them thousands of times for it.
they don’t seem to want to learn to be cautious. unsurprisingly.
so i wonder if it’s so much the age…
July 26, 2008 at 9:42 am
Pieces
That is so scary. Good for you for going over there. Now you have laid the stage to visit again if it continues to be a problem–which I suspect it will.
July 26, 2008 at 1:58 pm
madmad
Oh, man… that is tricky. At least YOU’RE paying attention, though – imagine if some reckless teenager is driving? And you’re right – you’d never get over it. It would be awful! I have to say, I agree with you, though – they’re too young to be out there unsupervised.
July 26, 2008 at 5:15 pm
Rebecca
I think that the “backing into your driveway” thing has a LOT of merit. I’m also a big fan of yelling at neighbourhood kids, although mine is full of juvenile delinquents.
July 26, 2008 at 9:44 pm
planetnomad
Backing in doesn’t really work, as we park in our garage at night. I do talk to the boys about it (as well as some other issues), but so far it hasn’t had any discernible effect.
July 27, 2008 at 5:08 am
Jeanne A
Scary, scary. They are too young to be out on the street.
After the Steven Curtis Chapman accident I read that this type of accident occurs several times a week in our country. I find that hard to believe, but it does happen.
When we lived in Africa my dad hit a kid who dashed out into the street directly in front of him. The kid just had a broken collar bone, but it was definitely scary for all of us.
July 29, 2008 at 6:09 am
AnnMarie
My neighbors have a 7 year old and am 18 month old (maybe she’s 20 months by now?). They two children play outside for hours on end…and we never see the parents. The ride their bikes (and one of those motorized kiddie cars) from their driveway to ours all the time. The live on a corner, and when they are on our property, esp the driveway, they can’t be easily seen from their house. The older child appears to be in charge of the younger one, who doesn’t listen to her very well. Our street is NOT quiet, and the nearest stop sign is two streets away. We’ve seen people peeling away (there are marks on our street), and not looking for kids at all. The younger one has been known to run into the street. The older child often plays with kids across the street (although not the younger one).
Our 3 year old is locked into our backyard )she can open the gate if it isn’t). She never plays in the front unless supervised by a parent, who is outside with her. And we rarely even do that since we worry about cars and the street.
July 29, 2008 at 6:59 pm
Nan
Not long ago in this village, a two-year-old was crushed by her uncle as he was leaving home in his truck. It was so sad. And Our road fatalities are completely ridiculous for such a small country. People walk all over the highway and cross on the pitch even when there is a walkover. I get extra mad when I see people with small children, running across the highway.
July 30, 2008 at 6:17 pm
Alpha.Dogma
“teenager spit” *shudders” Blech.
Tell your neighbour about the blood money concept and ask him to set the dollar amount up front. Maybe he’ll smarten up.
August 8, 2008 at 9:08 pm
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[…] From Veronica- Edj at Planet Nomad writes about the kind of dilemma with neighbors that has no easy resolution. She acts mercifully, believing she is her neighbor's keeper. […]