Yesterday, my kids went to Albertsons by themselves, where they picked up a couple of things they wanted. I was surprised by how worried I felt at this very minor stretching of their wings. The year we lived in France, Elliot was 8 and we would sometimes send him across a fairly busy street (with a crosswalk) to the boulangerie for our daily baguettes. At the local Monoprix, it wasn’t unusual to see the twins’ classmates (age 6) picking up a little something for their parents. In Mauritania, when Elliot turned 6 he was allowed to go half a block to the boutique to pick up a packet of butter (taken from the freezer in the boutique, already warm enough for baking by the time he got home on the hot days). By the time we left, all 3 were allowed to go to the boutique to buy candy or cokes as a treat; they just had to use their own money and let me know. I didn’t turn a hair. Why was I worried here? Albertsons is not far from our house, and our neighbourhood is safe, full of children and careful drivers.
I’ll tell you. It’s because I’m worried about what others around me will think of me. I’m still relearning the boundaries of what is normal here, and I have to say that my “mom-radar” is shockingly low compared to my friends. And, for those of you who don’t know me, I’m not a relaxed mother, I don‘t think. I’m uptight too! We are careful what they read and watch; we have standards and many, many rules. I think that overall, we’re good parents (obviously; if I didn’t, I would change). So who’s right–the uptight parents who won’t let their kids climb up ladders onto the roofs to get down the Frisbee? Or the ones who send their kids off to climb the big hill behind the house for PE, while they stay home? Where do you fall on this issue?
I notice that I trust strangers much more than my friends seem to. At the library, at the grocery store, I don’t stress if my children are out of my sight. In fact, I’ll ask them to run and pick up something from a different aisle, or send Elliot off to the Young Adult section while I check out the Mystery aisles. Part of this has to do with their age. They’re not babies. They are responsible kids. They’re old enough to be home alone and even to babysit other young kids. I know other kids their age who travel alone; parents working overseas sending kids to grandparents for the summer, whose children can navigate airports and plane changes with aplomb.
I suppose each parent must navigate their child’s trip towards maturity in their own way; each of us are uptight in some areas and loose in others, and most of us can see clearly where everyone else is screwing up. For those of us who choose to raise our children in a different culture to our own, this is especially clear. So I’ll keep sending my kids to Albertsons, and sending them up the hill for PE, and not worrying overtly when they climb trees and walls and act like children should. And I’ll continue to ignore the occasional horrified look I garner with my seemingly cavalier attitude.
Related to this (at least in my mind), I was horrified to see a news article recently featuring a verbal pedometer–a device that measures every word your baby or toddler hears throughout the day. This is supposed to guarantee that you’re doing your job–saying at least 17,000 words a day to your child, to help it be intelligent and succeed in life.
So do we laugh or get outraged or just feel a general sense of overwhelming sadness? I mean, WHAT? How ridiculous! Talk to your babies by all means–talk to your stomach when you’re pregnant if you like (which I did, all the time, and I have to admit it made for some embarrassing moments at the grocery store). But do it because you love them and care about them, not because you’ve got to worry about logging your 17,000 words per day so the little darlings can grow up guaranteed to go to Harvard! It’s things like this that make me live overseas.
But that’s just my opinion. What do you think? Am I lax about my children‘s future intelligence? Are you uptight? Or are we both perfectly balanced?
29 comments
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May 3, 2008 at 7:11 pm
suburbancorrespondent
It’s interesting; but I did read about a study that found that working class folk did speak much less to their children than middle class and upper middle class parents did. (I think I read about it in a book called “Limbo.”
So maybe an upwardly mobile working class parent might use this device as a reminder to change bad habits?
But of course it will be the upper middle class people who will be all over it, right? Along with those Baby Einstein videos…
May 3, 2008 at 7:12 pm
suburbancorrespondent
I have no idea how that emoticon got into my comment (above). I’m not an emoticon type of gal.
May 3, 2008 at 7:43 pm
Maria Wood
Your post strikes a chord with me. I too get those horrified looks (or at least I feel like I do… could possibly be imagining it, I suppose), and vascillate wildly from what on the one hand feels like relaxed but responsive parenting to uptight control freak stuff. Or maybe it’s neglectful laissez-faire parenting to responsible, cautious stuff. Who can tell these days?
I just read a thread on how awful terrible and criminal it is to EVER leave your child in a car EVER. I don’t know, we were left in the car at the grocery store all the time when I was a kid. How really bad can it be to lock the kid in the car and run into the store for a minute? If there is a predator out there crazed and powerful enough to break into a locked car and abduct my child in a couple of minutes, would me being there really stop him anyway? But I’m a little afraid I’m going to get arrested for it one of these days.
I tend to think people worry about the wrong things (everybody should worry about what I think is worthwhile?). Like parents who freak out about every germ and speck of dirt, who insist on antimicrobial sanitizing of hands and surfaces all the time but feed their kids food dyes, high fructose corn syrup, fast food… screwed up priorities. Or counting how many words they say to their babies while letting them watch tv shows (that I consider to be) inappropriate for kids with violence, meanness, or sexualized children like Spongebob and the like.
I don’t know. My kid gets dirty, STILL puts a lot of stuff in her mouth, climbs and jumps off of a lot of stuff, but doesn’t eat candy or watch tv. And I don’t count how many words I say in a day. She seems to be doing ok nevertheless.
May 3, 2008 at 8:13 pm
TJ Hirst
When you said, “Why was I worried here? . . . I’ll tell you. It’s because I’m worried about what others around me will think of me. I’m still relearning the boundaries of what is normal here” I thought, I want to know what else she sees different about parenting in the US with her unique cultural perspective. I think we tend toward the extremes in the US as parents–either over paranoid or oblivious to the real dangers.
May 3, 2008 at 8:14 pm
Kelly @ Love Well
Because you are perfectly balanced, your readers are perfectly balanced. We’re all perfect, in a balanced sort of way.
Personally, I think most parents are too uptight. But then again, I tend to be annoyingly optimistic and laid-back. There have been times when I have actually faked concern over something — germs! on the playground! — just so I didn’t freak out my friends with my laissez-faire approach to life.
May 3, 2008 at 10:07 pm
Robin
It’s incredible how much culture comes into play in issues like this. In Israel, I thought nothing of asking a table of women to watch my baby for a minute (sleeping in a stroller) while I dashed to the bathroom, but in the US it would never even consider it. Children here tend to get a lot more independence than they would in the US, occasionally more than I’m comfortable with, but on the whole it seems appropriate. This afternoon I will leave my 7 year old son, who is home today with a sprained toe, alone for 45 minutes while I go out for an appointment, and he’ll be just fine, but a few weeks ago I was reading a blog post about “how old is old enough to stay home alone” and was completely shocked that most of the American readers agreed that ELEVEN was too young! 11! I was babysitting by that age!
Interestingly, the law here says that children cannot cross the street unaccompanied until age 9 - a law passed because many parents were letting much younger children cross busy streets unattended. (Not me though, we each have our hot buttons, that one is mine. Definitely no street-crossing at this age. He doesn’t have the judgement and the other drivers are a menace.)
May 3, 2008 at 11:12 pm
meredith
I feel ready to let my girls walk home from school by themselves, but the one time they did, I later found out that other moms were horrified by my laxism. So to try and fit in (a futile effort here for me) I went back to picking them up.
May 4, 2008 at 12:57 am
ShackelMom
Oh heavens! I love this post! “It’s things like this that make me live overseas,” stuck a cord. I have always felt that kids need to not feel like the world is a dangerous place, and to feel they can explore it, and by so doing, learn some common sense. Before we moved overseas, I let my kids (over age
play on the roof, climb trees and go hiking in the hills in groups of at least three (for protection and in case of emergency). I told them to hang on tight with one hand at all times while climbing trees and then didn’t watch. I taught them first aid, and to think about possible consequences of actions they were thinking about (like sitting on a skateboard and riding it downhill toward a busy intersection… How will you stop?).
Overseas my kids had a lovely time playing with fireworks (5 boys), building fires, exploring rivers, building calcium carbide cannons (do you detect a theme here?) and other dangerous activities which would have been extremely frowned upon in the nanny-state of our passport country. We could also have pets, like goats, parrots, monkeys, owls and a civet, in addition to the usual. Rich experiences which my kids enjoyed, and with which they now regal their friends who grew up in America. And their friends say, “Your mother let you do that?!” To which they reply, “Yeah, my mom is crazy and we had a lot of fun!” I might add here that we had, for a family with seven lively kids, a surprisingly small number of broken bones (2) and stitches (3) or burns (one minor). We also observed over the years that the families who were the most worried about germs and washed all the time, had the most sickness.
Sometimes I think that kids in the States have nothing left to do outside, so they watch TV all day. They can’t walk to the park, play ball in the street, ride their bike to the store, climb trees, build things in the bushes or dig holes (landscaping), find cool stuff in trash cans (bio-hazards!), have dirt clod fights with the neighbors or any of the the things in the preceding paragraph. Everything is ORGANIZED, orchestrated and overseen by nervous mothers who are looking over their shoulders, worried about city ordinances, and pedophiles (which I know are out there). I think the USA, especially in a city, is a hard place to raise kids, and my hat is off to those who work at making it an adventure in spite of everything.
May 4, 2008 at 12:58 am
ShackelMom
That was supposed to be ‘over age 8′ that turned in to smiley.
May 4, 2008 at 8:10 am
Wacky Mommy
The traffic in Portland — especially in the suburbs, apparently, if you believe the traffic info/stats — is hideous, so I do worry about that. I hate the huge trucks and SUVs and everyone gabbing on cellphones and people who swerve around you to go, go, go if you’ve stopped for a pedestrian or biker.
BAD traffic manners here, BAD.
I don’t get worried about my kids getting nabbed from a store — I worry about someone’s selfish witch of a mother in her big-ass SUV, talking on the cellphone and running my kids over because SHE is such a GOOD MOMMY driving her kids everywhere. Blech. (Must have soccer for exercise! Must go to many games! — I’m thinking — what’s wrong with walking home from school? Playing at the park or in the neighbor’s yard?)
Mine are younger than yours, though, so I’m hoping I will loosen the reins a little in a year or two, but maybe not. I yelled at my friend’s kid a couple of weeks ago — he’s 10, completely responsible, and was walking home with a friend. They decided to jaywalk (busy street, just off freeway, four lanes of traffic that drops to two and sends everyone skidding). They walked in front of a car that had the green light, he almost hit them, slammed on brakes, they laughed, then walked behind him, messing around the whole time, back-forth, “Should we go now?” laughing.
I completely came unglued the next time I saw him, and asked him, “How do you think that made me feel, seeing you almost get run over?” I don’t think he’ll make that mistake again, knowing someone’s mom IS watching out for him. His mom was not happy with him, and had a long talk with him and the friend’s mom.
I guess that’s my long answer to your question — we all need to watch out for each other’s children, and I see a lot of people around here who just do not care one bit about “other people’s” kids.
May 4, 2008 at 9:36 am
Jolyn
Oh gosh I could say a LOT. I liked what Maria Wood and Shackelmom said and other common sense offered up there. And I’ll sound off by saying that raising children is a big reason I hanker to go back overseas.
Reading your post reminded me of what my husband and I have always called catering to the lowest common denominator. It’s something the military practices in its units and its support services — especially the army, which hubby was before he turned air force. You roll your eyes and shake your head at some of the stupid rules — which my husband could technically be reprimanded for if his wife/kids got caught breaking them, btw — and then you witness some of the people they’re targeted for and you start to understand. e.g. Leaving children in a car? Of course it’s not always dangerous. But sometimes it is, thus the laws. Because it only takes that one person to do something stupid and selfish that takes away the Right to Common Sense for the rest of us.
Oh dear. I’m not being very compassionate.
Did you know that the law in Italy is that a child cannot be left home alone until the age of 14? Of course, they’re so used to breaking laws there that that’s just another one on the list. But even though the Italians ignored that law the Americans had to be careful because getting caught breaking it could get the military members caught in a legal web.
And that law surprised me, too, when I learned it, because I always felt very safe letting my kids wander there in a way I don’t back in the States. Waiters used to run off with our baby to show him to the cook and their mother and whoever else and we learned that was part of the joy of the italian experience. But here we would be a bit disconcerted if someone tried to run off with our child, because “normal” people in America simply don’t do such things.
Our neighbor here (in Ohio) apparently lost sight of her 8yo son, who was happily playing in our backyard only I didn’t know his mom was frantically looking for him. She seemed so embarrassed about it, and I knew my assurances were lost on her ears because in this country we think we need to be on top of our game, at all times, or we are failures as parents. She probably thought I was just giving her lip service and then I was going to turn around and slander her behind her back. Because that is the preconception of many american women; which, sadly, is often true.
Moving around humbles you in a way that staying rooted may not, in my opinion, because you simply can’t always be in control of your surroundings and you HAVE to ask for help, often from complete strangers, in order to survive, if only emotionally and mentally.
Having to humble myself so often now has strengthened my spidey-sense in knowing who to ask — and who to definitely avoid. All in all, I think most of us would be surprised how many other parents, really, are weary of the whole “game” and are just waiting for someone else to be real and bring back the common sense.
And there’s my post for the day. Oh, and did you ask a question? No, I guess I’m not uptight. But definitely (trying to be) sensitive to the culture I’m in.
P.S. You should do a follow-up of this post after reading the comments. Then again once you’ve settled into your routine in Morocco. THAT would be soooo interesting.
May 4, 2008 at 11:44 am
Kit
I think you’re right that everyone’s radar is tuned slightly differently. I’m happy to let the kids out of sight within the library or supermarket in our local town. They’re old enough not to go off anywhere on their own and I know the people who work there and they know my kids.
As far as physical risks I think we strike a middle road (balanced of course!) We have friends who let their kids be far more physically adventurous and take more risks and I look on in amazement iat how the kids seem to cope fine. Mine are naturally cautious though, so I let them judge their comfort zone themselves when climbing trees and rocks and rooves!
When we were in London though and the kids were much younger, I never let them out of my sight and going to the loo was a problem - try fitting a buggy and two small kids into a cubicle of a public toilet.
May 4, 2008 at 11:54 am
gretchen from lifenut
Eye roll at the verbal pedometer.
I think it is more important WHAT you say and how you say it than how many words you use. If I don’t have my 17,000 at the end of the day, should I whip out the phone book and begin reading names?
May 4, 2008 at 11:24 pm
Pieces
I hate what an uptight mom I can be. I have a friend who is from the Netherlands and lives in upstate NY now. Her 10 year old plans meals and goes off to the grocery store with a wad of cash and buys the week’s groceries. When she was talking about it, all I could think was–By herself?! That was when I realized that I am pretty uptight. But–we have no sidewalks and a squad of registered sex offenders around us. I don’t know how to find the right balance.
May 5, 2008 at 5:05 am
Terri
I find myself wondering a lot if I’m too lax or too uptight. By some standards, I’m too lax, by others I’m too uptight. I remember how my brother and I were as children and the things my mom let us do. Though we didn’t live close enough to walk to a store or anything like that, my mom did let us go exploring the woods behind our house, or climb trees, or ride our bicycle (without helmets) up the road to our friends’ house.
I agree with you that we are all uptight in some areas and loose in others even if those areas are minor.
A verbal pedometer? Are you serious? I didn’t know such a thing existed, but I share your horror. As Suburban Correspondent said, those who may actually need such a device as a reminder to talk to their kids are not likely to be the ones to buy it. I will say, however, that when I come across articles, or whole books even, dedicated to helping parents improve their children’s literacy, or academic performance or whatever, and they offer suggestions such as “take your child to the library” or “read to them every night” or “ask your child open-ended questions,” I find myself thinking, “But I already do these things. Doesn’t everybody?” I guess there may be some people out there who need these reminders.
May 5, 2008 at 7:31 am
jen
I have a very difficult time having my kids out of my sight. The oldest is 7, but very impulsive and tends to not think in the moment. The other is 3 1/2 and follows his brother. It’s made for some tense situations.
I’m getting better as they age, but it’s still tough.
May 5, 2008 at 9:35 am
Sue
I find myself being a much more uptight mother here in Las Vegas. In Highland they wandered a lot more. They could play in the shared backyard/meadow behind our house for hours and I checked on them frequently, but I didn’t feel I had to be right there with them. Here in Las Vegas they aren’t allowed out in the front yard if Mom and Dad aren’t with them. I’m not comfortable with it yet. I need to unclench a little, but I struggle with it.
May 5, 2008 at 10:41 am
Rebecca
Living in a predominantly working class area, I can tell you that the verbal pedometer might be more useful than you think. A LARGE number of kids hit pre-kindergarten - that’s four - with a PAINFULLY limited vocabulary. I talk to my kids’ non-stop, the poor little things.
I am SO uptight. In part. I’m just a naturally anxious person and in part, there’s a pedophile living in our neighbourhood and so my kids don’t get to go ANYWHERE by themselves.
May 5, 2008 at 10:44 am
jean
Everyone has that one thing that they would “never” let their kid do. I’m sure I have one of those things but I’m drawing a blank right now. I’m very laid back with most things. Germs, stranger danger and other hot topics seem to be so blown out of proportion. Does that make me a bad mom? NO. I love my son and will always do what I think is best for him. Do I talk enough to him? Trust me, I try but it’s hard to get a word in edge wise. He talks enough for everyone! So today it’s talking and tomorrow it will be something else. I (like other moms) have enough to worry about without worrying about the latest studies telling us what we do wrong. I have to wonder if these people even have kids?
May 5, 2008 at 9:05 pm
angie
Isn’t it amazing how different areas/cultures view what chldren should be allowed to do independantly? Last summer I was at the park with my children and a woman from Germany asked me to watch her 6 year old son while she ran a quick errand. Of course I was happy to help, but it isn’t normal to be asked to watch a complete strangers child, for however a short time…….
May 7, 2008 at 9:51 am
Riley
I know I fall on the lenient side of parenting compared to most of my friends. I admit, right now, I can’t yet trust my kids to go to another grocery store aisle and pick something up for me, but I look forward to the moment. I have a lot of friends who not only worry about things I don’t worry about, but make it a point to gasp at me for not worrying about it too, and it’s very difficult. I actually got into an argument, er, verbal disagreement, with my husband about it, because he was telling me I was too worried about everything the other day (I don’t remember about what) and I told him, you don’t know what it’s like to be subjected to warnings and reprimands and leers all day long because I don’t worry enough. Gah.
May 8, 2008 at 7:34 pm
Miss Sassy
I had a child born with a serious heart defect that required us to keep him healthy for his first 3 years through 4 heart surgeries - thus away from other children and crowded environments. I’m probably way more over protective than most and I don’t care what others think about it. My son is alive and healthy and happy and that is all that matters to me. I am constantly evaluating myself as a mother and work hard to make sure that he is a confident, healthy, happy child who can play by himself and with others.
May 8, 2008 at 8:44 pm
Wacky Mommy
I like the little fancy things by our names. Pretty!
May 9, 2008 at 5:32 am
Inkling
You know, looking at these comments, it seems like most of us feel pretty paranoid about what other parents will think, yet for ourselves want to give our kids more independence. Maybe that itself is a national epidemic–because in the present day, parenting is a prescription, and if you don’t follow it to the letter, obey the media and your perception of what friends believe, you are bad bad bad. And there is a very real danger that someone will call child services on you for doing something like leaving a child home alone, or in a car, etc. I am constantly torn over this, I want my kids to feel confident in the world, not constantly afraid (and I know this will be the result, because I grew up with a very protective father and a relaxed mother, which resulted in me being terrified of some things and very relaxed about others). But I don’t want to be the bad parent, and it always feels like someone is watching. I think when it comes to parenting the U.S. is getting pretty big-brotherish. Witness Texas, recently. The government has the power to come in full force and swipe hundreds of children from their parents on as little evidence as a bogus phone call. And then we’re all left wondering–if they find evidence later, was it worth the unjustified interference? I know plenty of kids at school who are mistreated and there is no way to help them. I also know several parents who have been falsely accused. It’s another one of those situations without an answer. It would, however, certainly be nice not to be constantly bombarded with messages that if I don’t do this or buy that for my children, I am somehow subpar. I remind myself that my children feel loved, and safe. I am probably doing most things right, even if I don’t follow the official prescription all the time.
May 11, 2008 at 2:37 pm
Louise
What a post! I can’t resist. The year was 1998, does that date me? Our first home assignment after four years in Africa. Nathan was just finishing kingergarten and we were packing up our house for 12 months, putting our treasures in barrels we welded shut to keep the bugs and thieves out… and Nathan, well, because I was homeschooling him, and I only did that about one hour per day formally, well, he spent about 3 weeks burning trash.
As we sorted out papers and junk, he took them out to the pit in the banana plantation and kept them alight….
Where’s Nathan? my friends would ask… out burning the trash
All the kids used to play flash light tag in the jungle, in the dark, with the pythons and Gabon vipers… I had problems with that. But, I tried to chill… I didn’t come unglued, not too often….
And they used to go swimming in the river and swinging on vines and…. I remember Nathan at age 3 or so refusing to walk down the hill in the 100 degree heat… I had to get some papers for the hospital payroll. And in frustration I said, Look I have to go. The workers, all 60 of them, have to get paid, what do you plan to do? Sit in this mud puddle and wait?
Now there happened to be a very significant mud puddle there… at leasta 6 inches of good red muddy water, at the top of the hill, a block from my house, a block from the hospital (straight up)… and so I left and came back 45 min. later and took my red kid back home and dropped him in the shower….
Africa is different…. and then… our teenagers on the other hand, grow up without every having had a summer job, not knowing how to clean or do laundry as the houseworker does that…., not knowing about banks or debit cards, or movie theatres.
I remember taking my oldest son, in grade 4 at that time to a restaurant with a mud floor and stumps for chairs, to eat chewy stew and rice… and he looked up, with him cheerful voice reflecting nine solid months of living the back of beyond, “Mom, this is a nice restaurant, isn’t it?”
But I wouldn’t trade those years for anything.
May 13, 2008 at 6:48 am
Sarah
I wanted to say that I just spent an embarassing amount of time reading your blog when I should have been working. It brought back memories of my own childhood in a military family. My dad is in the Marines and we moved around the world a lot when I was growing up. My mom was fortunate enough that she was usually around other military families, so our independence, and her “shockingly low mom-radar” passed without comment…until we returned home from Germany to the States for good.
May 13, 2008 at 6:17 pm
shannon
At least you just sent them to Albertson’s. I had to go to Singapore last week for a medical procedure leaving all four children in Indonesia with my 16 year old baby sitting the 3 little ones (3,6,and 7), overseen by neighbors checking in, the maid (on crutches from being hit by a motorcycle) and the driver. The staff worked until dinner was served, then the oldest was on his own for bedtime and waking them up and getting everyone dressed and on the bus to school before leaving to school himself. I was gone 2 1/2 days. No one starved, no one missed school, no one was hurt, they even made it to piano lessons and swimming lessons on schedule. House was reasonable clean even with the maid on crutches, even upstairs. It went fine.
I have really noticed a change in my oldest since we have moved here from the added freedoms and responsibilities from living overseas. He has grown up so much. I despair when we visit home and I see his friends, whose only interests seem to involve xbox or wii. Sometimes I think we do such a disservice to our children in the name of protecting them.
May 14, 2008 at 5:19 am
Antique Mommy
The cultural differences in parenting styles — reminds me of a news story awhile back about a European woman who was in New York. She went into a cafe and left her stroller with her baby in it, out on the sidewalk near the cafe window. Everyone was outraged that she should be so negligent and I think a move was made to arrest her. She was puzzled as that is not an uncommon practice where she was from.
As far as my own parenting style, I am not a hover-er when it comes to the physical stuff. I let Sean do all kinds of nutty physical stuff. I let him play on our ladder and always have. He has a natural sense of balance and he knows his limits. And you don’t learn unless you fall. I do not desire to protect him from all of lives bumps and bruises, emotional or physical, that come with living and learning.
I am uptight about his security. I never let him out of my sight. It just strikes terror in my heart. I could not go on living if I failed to keep him safe.
May 20, 2008 at 4:08 am
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